Let Intimacy Bloom: A Conversation with Amanda Baker
I want transformation,
But not transformed.
Blooming
But not bloomed.
[ . . . ]
Because done is an ending
And I’m never finished.
“Let Me Bloom”
Imagine a young girl about seven years of age, locks hanging loose over her keyboard, as she creates lyrics for the electronic beats pulsing from her palms to her pen to the page. This is the start, the heart, of Yellow Arrow Publishing’s final chapbook author, Amanda Baker’s, poetry. This proclivity towards melodic expression gave breath to her writing from an early age and ultimately resulted in the formation of her forthcoming chapbook What is Another Word for Intimacy?
Amanda is a mental health therapist, 200-hour yoga instructor, and poet from Baltimore, Maryland. She attended the University of Maryland School of Social Work and James Madison University. She is a mother of her four-year-old son, Dylan, and enjoys time in nature. Amanda has self-published a poetry collection that includes written work from her early teens into her 30s. You may find her book ASK: A Collection of Poetry, Lyrics, and Words on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
What is Another Word for Intimacy? is now available for PRERELEASE (click here for wholesale prices) and will be released October 11, 2022. Follow Yellow Arrow on Facebook and Instagram for Friday sneak peeks into What is Another Word for Intimacy? The incredible cover was created in-house by Creative Director Alexa Laharty after a few conversations with Amanda. “Intimacy does not need to be defined in words,” Amanda conveyed in a recent chat, “though it is helpful. Connection does not need to be explained in metaphors, though it is helpful. An emotion does not need to be seen or read on a page, though it is helpful. This cover represents all that we are not able to fully say, understand, or see. It still creates a shared authentic experience. It creates a resonance, a vitality, a life force. Touching palm lines, interlaced fingers, a hug of hands is my favorite! The way energy can be felt from miles and miles away and in a touch, in hand holding.”
After a day of work as a mental health therapist and time spent with her son before his bedtime, Amanda met with Melissa Nunez, Yellow Arrow author and interviewer extraordinaire, over Zoom to discuss the evolution of her poetic voice and the intimacy of writing and personal connection that ties her newest collection together.
A question that is commonly asked of writers is when they started writing. I find it very compelling that you were very open to and about your poetry from a young age (Amanda’s first collection ASK: A Collection of Poetry, Lyrics, and Words spans more than a decade of writing beginning from age 14). What did you gain from the experience of publishing work from when you were young?
It was so fascinating to go back and read through my old journals. I have always recalled that kind of writing coming naturally to me. I never learned to play the piano or read music as a child, but I would pretend with the programmed beats on my keyboard, and words started to come naturally with the melody. I used to say I write lyrics, not necessarily poetry, because there tends to be that cadence or melody in my head accompanying the words. I don’t always do that now as it has kind of transformed into other ways of writing my poetry. Going back through my journals as an adult and reading what I had written and saved (mostly from ages 13 and on) allowed me to see that core self that never really changed and still exists within me. It also revealed ways that I had changed and maybe had gotten a little disconnected from myself. It is so valuable to go back and see things that are still so true to me—values I’m so passionate about, that vision and creativity still flowing. It inspired and motivated me to get back into writing more regularly.
What would you say is the biggest difference between the creation of your two collections, ASK and Intimacy?
Maturity and growth. I have come into my own regarding relationships, whether that is partnership, a marriage, or friendship, and navigating things that block that desired level of intimacy. From a young age I thought intimacy was or meant only one thing, and this new collection is about finding the truth of intimacy. These poems, for me, are that desire to understand it, know it, feel it, and be in it, and have others really be open to that same curiosity. My first collection was more about seeing changes over time, not necessarily with a specific theme, but what I think links them together is asking questions. The deeper we go, the more that we ask, the more we can expand our minds and hold other perspectives.
What is your personal definition of intimacy?
The vulnerability that comes with being open and honest within a connection with someone. I teach yoga, and within yoga comes union of the mind, the body, and the spirit. I feel like taking that union and alignment and having that with another person is the goal of intimacy. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you are an exact match within those three elements within each other, but there needs to be that same openness and acceptance. When you really get to know someone on a close level and let go of the defenses that can come out naturally in a relationship, an openness and consciousness can be built between two people when you truly see each other for who you are.
Why do you think intimacy is so important in writing?
Writing can essentially be the vessel for intimacy. I recently watched a TED Talk by Ethan Hawke called Give Yourself Permission to be Creative and he shared something that really resonated with me. He said that in order to express yourself you need to know yourself, and in order to know yourself you need to know what you love. Love and intimacy are interconnected in so many ways. If we really want to express our truth through writing, then we need to be curious and go inwards to know ourselves and to love ourselves as well. Intimacy exists in writing and reading someone’s work. You develop a relationship through the words that are shared, through that connection.
I would love you in all ways / in all languages / in glances
[ . . . ]
L O V E in a shared space / does not need language at all.
“My Love Language Must Be.”
There are many creative expressions and descriptions of love in your work. What would you want your audience to learn about love?
Two things come to mind. The first is that love is universal. I love that about love. Wherever you are, whatever country you come from, at our core—we all want love. We want to feel love and to be loved. It doesn’t need a language because it exists in all languages, it is shared everywhere if you are willing to be open to it and feel it. The second is that love exists inside you. In order to be intimate with someone else, you have to first be intimate with yourself. That opens up that level of intimacy or the multiple forms of love that can manifest in different ways with different people.
There is a strong message of healing in your poetry. How is writing healing for you?
It is so healing. I write almost every day now and it is energizing. When I’m writing, I am learning something about myself. Sometimes I start writing and don’t even know where it is going to end up. I’ll have an idea and it flows into something different, something unexpected. I think that can be a signal of healing and growth. Self-expression also helps us release things that can be debilitating or defeating, feelings that when held inside create more stress and tension. Those doubts or insecurities that naturally exist in all of us. I hope that people can see that healing over time through my writing. In my first collection, and even these poems that might not be chronologically ordered, you can see how my beliefs about things have changed, how I am now more flexible (as opposed to rigid), more open to other opinions (as opposed to being opinionated). Writing is such a big part of my coming to that place.
I love the message that writing can be healing for anyone at any age or stage. What advice would you have for those who have never tried or have felt intimidated by writing?
I think the biggest takeaway is to not stop even when there is perceived criticism. There may be those who think their way is the only way, others who categorize good writers and better writers, but it is important to realize that if you choose to share your writing it will find the people it resonates with. Your voice matters and taking the time to experiment with how you want your voice to come out is vital. Someone may start writing and find that it is not for them, and then they may start singing. [That’s] beautiful. [I encourage anyone to] continue to pursue some level of expression that aligns with you. If you find that it is writing, keep writing. One word can be a poem. Who is to say that it’s not? That’s the magic and the beauty of it. There is no right or wrong way.
How did you connect with Yellow Arrow Publishing?
I have felt a divine timing in my writing journey with so many things lining up in just the right way to get me where I am. In opening my old journals and feeling that inspired impulse to share them. Connecting with Yellow Arrow was another one. I am a therapist full time, and a colleague of mind has a friend who led me to Yellow Arrow. She mentioned I should chat with them as an opportunity to find new information for my writing. I met up with her friend and she directed me to [Yellow Arrow’s] Instagram. Literally two days later they posted their open call for submissions. It felt like a sign that I had to do this. Baltimore is my home city and their mission to empower female writers and poets drew me in. I have since attended some of their writing workshops and connected with some of the other writers within their community, and it has all seemed to just fall into place.
Do you think your profession as therapist plays into the development of your writer voice?
Absolutely. I bring a lot of mental health themes into my writing (a third collection inspired by these themes is in the works). The more that I write, the more I have embraced using that as a tool or intervention with my clients. I encourage them to express themselves in various ways, one of them being writing. I am very open about my own struggles with anxiety, depressive symptoms, and the impact of trauma (a professional label for this is a therapist with lived experiences). I include this in my writing because it is authentic to me and a way to heal, but it is also a model for other people who may be coming to see someone like myself. It shows them they are not alone, and that this is not a fix-all. This is a process I am guiding you through to be closer to and better know yourself. Writing is one path that has worked for me. Let’s find what works for you.
Now everywhere I go . . . I leave a little bit of your residue.
It fades as a broken record memory
where I can’t remember if the flavor was peppermint or sugar sweet.
“The Fruit Mint Gum Variety Pack.”
Do you have a favorite poem from the collection, one that encapsulates the core of your work?
“The Fruit Mint Gum Variety Pack” stands out for me. It is so metaphorical and relatable to other people. That thinking that something—whether a person or some connection or event—is going to dissolve and you’re not going to remember it, but the taste is just there. I also think of, “I say you can love more than one person.” Those two are my favorites.
I was intrigued by the dialogue about our memory selves or perceived selves that plays out in some of your poems. How do you approach the writing of memory while embracing the inherent perspective bias and inconsistencies?
What we remember is based on our beliefs, our history, and our views of the world. I write what is true to my memory while remaining aware others may not remember or recall things in the same way. It’s about bringing that awareness to other people while recognizing our recollections of events are not static. When it comes to intimacy, our way of seeing self tends to be more negative. That can interfere with the connections we make. When somebody sees us in a way we don’t, it can be hard to believe. That creates potential for repelling or pulling away from the intimacy as opposed to opening up to it. We [may] accept that there are other—at times more positive—ways of seeing ourselves and be open to those outside points of view. We [may] be open to integrating them with our own perspectives.
The hunger
The craving
The style
The smile. Always a smile.
I’d be always a
S M I L E.
“If they see the way they say they see me . . . then I’d be . . .”
You can read more of Amanda’s words on love and connection in her second poetry collection What is Another Word for Intimacy? Please show your support of Amanda by preordering your copy today.
*****
Thank you, Amanda and Melissa, for sharing your conversation. Yellow Arrow Publishing is a nonprofit supporting women writers through publication and access to the literary arts. Yellow Arrow recently revamped and restructured its Yellow Arrow Journal subscription plan to include two levels. Do you think you are an Avid Reader or a Literary Lover? Find out more about the discounts and goodies involved at yellowarrowpublishing.com/store/yellow-arrow-journal-subscription.
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