Believing in the Power of Love Too Much: A Conversation with Nikita Rimal Sharma
A mere matchstick
I thought myself to be,
feeble in structure.
Needing several strikes for a single second of flame.
(not) just a matchstick
“I believe in the power of love too much,” says Nikita Rimal Sharma, the author of Yellow Arrow Publishing’s next chapbook, The most beautiful garden. This stunning sentiment about the inspiration behind her latest work summarizes the message of her chapbook beautifully: the world is not perfect and yet, we must keep loving it. Nikita’s unconditional love for our world in spite of all the tragedy, frustration, and nonsense is the underlying thread that runs through her collection. Throughout The most beautiful garden, which we cannot wait for you to read, Nikita’s poems touch on the struggles of depression, immigration, and identity and yet are grounded in the understanding that even during bouts of despair there is still hope to be found. Nikita emphasizes that “believing in the power of love too much” allows us to be aware of the brutal realities of the world while still unearthing strength and beauty in ourselves, others, and nature.
And that beautiful sentiment is definitely something visible in the incredible cover of The most beautiful garden, drawn by Yellow Arrow Creative Director Alexa Laharty. After seeing the cover, Nikita exclaimed, “Alexa put my imagination into a lovely form of art for the cover page. It summarizes the title poem perfectly and also the way I would like to approach life: making the best out of what you have, noticing beauty and the vividness of colors in yourself and the things around you. Thank you so much, Alexa, for all that you and the Yellow Arrow team have done for me during this process.”
The most beautiful garden is now available for PRERELEASE (click here for wholesale prices) and will be released April 12, 2022. Follow Yellow Arrow on Facebook and Instagram for Friday sneak peeks into The most beautiful garden, starting this Friday and continuing through April 8. Recently, Editorial Associate Siobhan McKenna took some time to get to know Nikita and the inspiration behind The most beautiful garden.
Kathmandu is the root to my being
[. . .]
Wichita was the blank canvas for the rest of my life
[. . .]
Baltimore is the city that helped me fly
The places that made me
Originally born and raised in Kathmandu, Nepal, Nikita moved with her husband to Wichita, Kansas at the age of 25. There, she completed her master’s degree and eventually moved to Baltimore, Maryland, her current home. In Baltimore, she stumbled upon Yellow Arrow House while walking through the Highlandtown neighborhood; she decided to go inside. “It was almost like serendipity. I got a business card and looked on the website and saw that there was an upcoming class.” The class was “A Year in Poetry” with Ann Quinn and many of the poems that she started in that class are part of her forthcoming collection.
Although “A Year in Poetry” class honed her poetry skills, Nikita has always loved writing as a method to process her emotions. Throughout her life, she has written journal entries, poems, and letters to herself as a way of honoring the ending of one chapter and the beginning of another. In many ways, Nikita’s The most beautiful garden is a work of reflection and synthesis as she braids together her Nepali roots with the life and identity that she has established and continues to create in the United States.
Throughout The most beautiful garden, it sounds like not all Nepali culture resonated with you. How did you navigate this? Are there any Nepali customs that you hold onto?
I had a happy childhood. Here [in the U.S.], I am [a brown minority], but there [in Nepal] I had the privileges of a white person: so [many] good opportunities, but with that came a lot of pressure. But for me, [the pressure] didn’t really benefit me, because every action that I did was judged very badly. I was [in a generation with] access to technology and some things I did were modern, but some members of my extended family were really traditional. So, no matter what I did I was always judged and as a patriarchal society, it was all very toxic for me.
Here, I feel like I live for myself now, but when in Nepal, you live for others. “What are people gonna say?” is at the forefront of every decision-making, and I don’t do well with that. I also saw how my mom as a daughter-in-law or just as a woman was treated because she was from one generation above me and she had less opportunities than me. And all of that really bothered me and never fostered my growth and those are the pains that [I still hold in my heart]. But now that I’m here, I’m able to work through that and create a life that feels more like myself. And that does not mean I am going to give up everything. Obviously, there are cultural things, [family] and friends I will never be able to let go of.
Overall, being from a different culture lends me a different eye when solving problems or in viewing the world. Also, just the food that I eat. I’ve come to realize how the food that I grew up eating was actually a really healthy diet—and I hated that food as a child. It was lentils, rice— the daal bhaat is what we call it, and every meal was that. Now, I can’t wait to have it. So, any time I can have homemade food like that, I feel like I’m home again. And there are so many smaller and bigger things that I take [from my culture] and I treasure them.
You talk about how your culture growing up wasn’t as beneficial for who you are as a person. Can you talk more about the expectations of South Asian women?
[Those sentiments] are specific to my mom’s or mother-in-law’s generation. They have never been taught to know themselves or to explore themselves, and I feel very lucky to be able to do that. If you ask anyone from my mom’s generation: what do you like or what are things you enjoy doing? They don’t usually have an answer. Instead, they will say: “Oh, whatever you like” or “The happiness of others.” And of course, service and making others happy is very essential. But I feel that [they] have been taught to only find purpose in the well-being of others so that they forget to think about themselves and about what is good for them, and you just reach a point in your life where all of that keeps getting piled up and it was never sorted out or healed or worked through and I feel like that continues the vicious cycle of intergenerational trauma.
Obviously, the U.S. has its own problems in regard to the ways we treat women, but do you see similar parallels between your experience in Nepal and the United States?
Kind of, in different ways. I do think that with a lot of things [in the U.S.] we are way ahead although I don’t think [our journey for equality] will ever end. But in Nepal, there are some very basic constructs for women. [For example] when I was on my period, I wasn’t able to go in the kitchen. Of course, those things changed as I grew older and times changed, but those are things that you don’t have to think about in the United States.
In a later email, Nikita added, “There are communities in Nepal that still follow the practice of isolation during a woman’s period and some women have even lost their life due to negligence during the isolation.
Have you found yourself at peace in your merging of Nepalese and U.S. cultures?
Well, I have merged into a lot of things, but I think there are parts of me that will never fully merge no matter how much I try and that’s OK and that’s the beauty of it. Like I said, food is a big example or when talking about pop culture there are so many things! You can mention a song and I’ve never heard of it and that is a barrier. So, there are gentle reminders in my everyday life that make it harder for me to merge fully. At the same time, in recent years, I have been able to understand both cultures to be able to take some of my learnings from this culture and be able to communicate that with my mom and help her navigate her own life [in Nepal].
It is up to us,
to remain a sapling,
or
give ourselves the permission
to dig deeper
Growth
How has poetry helped your mental health?
A lot. I think writing this whole chapbook has helped with my mental health. I [wrote The most beautiful garden] during the pandemic and that’s when time was slower, and I was also going through a lot of emotional changes. There were things happening in my personal life, and I had a lot of very strong emotions, and I was trying to work on all of that. And writing [about my emotions] and sharing it was hard, but it also helped me sort through feelings. I also sought help from a psychiatrist and therapist, and that helped, but poetry was definitely one of the tools that I used for healing.
Why do we—mainly people who identify as women—still allow ourselves to be shamed by numbers and images even when understanding all the good our bodies do?
I wish I knew the answer because this is an ongoing struggle. In my 30s, I’ve been the strongest that I’ve ever been. I work out more consistently. I run. I eat better. I eat whatever I want. I’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but there was a point in my life when I was very restrictive with my diet. Now, I eat whatever I want, but that came from a reflection of how all the women I’ve talked to or anyone who identifies as a woman have at least one body part that they are insecure about. It does not matter how much you weigh or your body shape.
I think that . . . I don’t know the answer.
We have made progress as a society to accept our bodies as they are, but I still find it very hard to think of myself that way and I’m sure I’ll learn, and I’ll reframe. But even at this point no matter how much progress I make, I’ll always struggle with body image. If you find the answer, let me know.
Try to love people when it’s hard for you to love:
[ . . . ]
Let the wings of your heart fly to places it doesn’t want to go.
Maybe, this is how we can make the world a better place?
You write about loving people even when they are dissimilar to yourself. This sentiment seems especially relevant right now. How do you see that in action in our society today?
I think a lot about this. Right now, politically the world seems so polariz[ed]. No matter what: my opinion is right, no matter what side you’re on. And it does matter [to an extent] in politics and law and decision-making, but we make it matter more than it should sometimes. And our whole media and the entire world and social media are geared toward making us see all the differences, but then we don’t give enough time and attention to see the things that we have in common.
I believe in the power of love too much. Differences exist. And I don’t like certain opinions, I feel like they’re wrong, but they are opinions in the end. They are not your identity, and they are not the struggles that humans go through. So, it’s important to have opinions based on fact and science, but if we are not willing to find a common ground and to approach things with love and understanding—approach other humans who are different and try to think from their perspective—then I feel like no matter how much progress we make it still won’t be complete or whole for me.
Later, Nikita added, “Opinions do matter especially in a country like the United States where we have people from all over the world and varied cultures.”
You also mention using your voice to spread peace through nonviolence. How do you envision change being made through nonviolent communication?
I think nonviolent communication leads to more understanding. It helps us slow down and think and reflect a bit more. So that the change may be slower, but more sustainable. But I do hope with my language I want to get more involved with mental health advocacy and write more in those areas in a way that is more understanding and relatable.
I also want to use my writing as a way to find more things in common with people rather than attacking [them]. I don’t appreciate on social media when humans say, “Hey, what you’re doing is wrong.” And in coming from [a nonviolent] place, I think we’d bring about more change.
Finally, you mentioned that you’ve fallen in love with Baltimore. At Yellow Arrow, the city of Baltimore is very close to our hearts, but for most people outside of Baltimore, it’s a very underrated city. What has kept you in Baltimore?
I think people are very authentic here and that’s what has kept me in Baltimore. Everyone I have interacted with [seems to “keep it real”]. I have an example. I live in South Baltimore now, but I used to live downtown and the UPS guy in our apartment was the best human that I’ve ever met. Whenever he came in with a package, he always had the most genuine smile. It wasn’t just a customer service smile. It was a hey, I’m-here-I’m-happy smile. In December 2016, I was going through a pretty bad bout of depression, and I think seeing him would always make my day and he has no idea the difference that he made in my life. But just things like that when you’re walking around the city: people do greet you and not in an I-have-to-be-friendly kind of way. They really mean it. When people help here, it comes from the heart, and I think that’s what has me glued to the city—I really love that. For the size of the city, it really is community-oriented.
*****
Thank you, Nikita and Siobhan, for sharing your conversation. Yellow Arrow Publishing is a nonprofit supporting women writers through publication and access to the literary arts.
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