A Spiritual Journey: Yellow Arrow Journal, Vol. VII, No. 1, UpSpring
By Annie Marhefka
I met April Graff, the cover artist of Yellow Arrow Journal, UpSpring (Vol. VII, No. 1) decades ago, but it’s been almost 20 years since I’ve spoken with her. Her husband, Monnie, and my older brother were dear friends and worked together as machinists for many years. My brother passed away in 2003 in a car accident on his way home from a shift working with Monnie; they were also greatly impacted by his death. I have this memory of April after my brother’s memorial service that has stuck with me all this time. I think of it whenever I think of her.
After the service, we had gone back to my parents’ house and everyone was standing in the kitchen sharing memories of my brother, and we were just talking about what you talk about at those things—how sudden it was, how shocked we were, how we couldn’t comprehend it just yet. My father in particular was really struggling and I remember watching him grip the kitchen counter and thinking it was the only thing holding him up.
It was right between Thanksgiving and Christmas and there was constant holiday music playing in the background. April started singing along quietly to “O Holy Night” and her voice was just incredible. She wasn’t showing off or looking for attention; it actually seemed like she couldn’t help herself but sing along, like maybe she didn’t even realize she was singing out loud. She was sitting on a barstool across the kitchen counter from my father and when my father heard her voice, he stood upright and asked everyone in the room to quiet down a little. Everyone went silent, including April. My father nodded in her direction and asked her to sing again. When you’re at an event like that, you never really know what you can say or do to help, and I could tell that April was shy or insecure about singing because she hesitated, but I think she also felt like, if this was what he needed, if this was what she could offer, she would do it for him. So despite her hesitation, she sang for him.
I think my father asked her to sing that song five or six times that night and every time, she obliged. Every time, the room went silent, and we just got wrapped up in her voice, the artistic flair she started weaving into the lyrics and the melody. It felt a little like we were watching her grow in her confidence and expand her creativity as the night went on. I don’t remember much about that night, the speeches people gave, or the condolences offered. But I’ll never forget April singing.
And now, almost 20 years later, April’s artwork, "Spiritual Journey," is featured on the cover of Yellow Arrow Journal Vol. VII, No. 1, UpSpring. Guest edited by Rebecca Pelky, a member of the Brothertown Indian Nation of Wisconsin and a native of Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. Some of the pieces in this issue focus on that thrilling moment of fruitfulness in which an upspring occurs while others remind us that some upsprings happen only after or because of desperately difficult times. “Spiritual Journey” fits into the latter.
I had the honor of interviewing April about her painting and where she is now after her own spiritual journey. She probably didn’t realize at the time how much she helped my family that night, and so to see April finding her voice in this new way, through painting, gives me so much hope that she can continue to use her story and her creativity to inspire and lift others. Here is my conversation with April.
Annie: Tell our Yellow Arrow community a little about yourself and your artwork.
April: I live with my two kids and my husband, Monnie, and our two fur babies in Westminster, Maryland. I have always been into the arts of all sorts—dancing, singing, drawing, painting. I found my love for painting while watching Bob Ross when I was a kid. To this day, he’s still soothing to me. That was where my love for painting started; I loved how it calmed me. I could even fall asleep watching his show!
I am seven years sober—will be eight years in November. When I went into my recovery, I was looking for things to help me cope other than the normal things people run to. My husband got me an art set and an easel because he knew I used to love painting. He got me the basics: little canvases, some oil paints, and an acrylic set. I had never worked with acrylic but started experimenting. I shared some pictures of what I made, and people started asking me for pieces. I wasn’t charging anything initially; I just loved the idea of having my art in people’s homes. Once the supplies started getting more expensive, I decided to start charging and that’s helped me try out different styles and techniques. The painting I did for UpSpring started out as an experiment, but I was feeling all the things that day and it all comes out on the canvas. It’s how I cope with everyday life. I was told to journal, but I can’t organize my thoughts enough. Painting is how I journal. Many people can’t interpret what I was feeling at the time, but I can look at a painting I made, and I can see exactly what I was feeling at that time. I love that no painting ever turns out the same.
Annie: Our theme for this issue of Yellow Arrow Journal is UpSpring. We received so many amazing pieces of writing from readers who connected with this theme. What does the theme mean to you?
April: Every dark place I was in, I’ve always reached out to the light, and you see that through the elements of darkness and light in the painting. I remember being at the rock bottom of my addiction and crying and wondering, why can’t I get out of this, why am I like this. [But], I want[ed] to see my kids grow, I want[ed] to get out of this dark place. Where the painting passes and connects and intertwines, I know that [that] is where I reached my rock bottom. I had lost all of me. Where it passes through is my spirit reaching back through to the person that I used to be, to become even better than the person I was once before. Through my journey of recovery, I found a peace I never knew before. I was always trying to overcome my environment; I was battling every day to not be a product of my environment. I fought hard to get out of that. I think you can see that when you look at the painting.
Annie: Our guest editor for this issue, Rebecca Pelky, also shared how she connected the theme to the idea of raising up: raising children, raising ourselves, raising awareness. What causes do you hope to raise awareness about?
April: There is a purpose for every one of us. I feel like my art is reaching out to other people to pull them in. Through sharing my experience, it’s so tough to see others struggling with addiction and suffering, I feel so helpless sometimes. But to know that I have helped other people is worth how tough it is—I’ve led others to recovery, helped people understand why their loved ones are addicted or that they have no control, that it has nothing to do with not loving them enough. In a way, my paintings are an extended hand, trying to pull other people up with me.
Annie: What does it mean to you to be able to share your art with others in this way? Who are you most excited to share your art with?
April: It’s always gut wrenching to share my work because I’m afraid somebody’s going to say that’s not art or wonder if the [price] I’m charging is worth it. My art is an expression of what I’m feeling and how do you come up with a price for that? When I found out my painting was going to be on the cover, I immediately wanted to share that with my brother. My brother is also an artist, and these days, it’s how we communicate. I’ve always respected him as an artist; he has a talent I’ve always envied. Even growing up, as a little girl, I would try to copy something he made, and he would get mad and say I plagiarized him. I was just looking up to him. I just wanted to be like him. As we got older, he started teaching me techniques, and I started teaching him. I wasn’t the tag along anymore; I was more accepted as a peer in his eyes, and I’ve always respected that side of him.
Annie: What would you say to others who maybe are going through their own difficult journey right now?
April: There’s a reason why you're here; there’s a purpose. Share your experience, share your journey with the world; inspire others to be more, be whatever they want to be. Strive for that every day.
Annie: What gives you inspiration?
April: There’s days where I can’t do it for myself and so I do it for the people that love me. There are days when I do it for the sun, the air, the people that can’t be here. I’m just trying to be here to live the life they couldn't. I remind myself that I’m a survivor, not a victim. I survived. I want other people to survive, to become warriors.
UpSpring is currently available for PREORDER from the Yellow Arrow bookstore. Wholesale copies (discounted copies in lots of 5) can also be purchased. The issue will be released on May 24. And join us for the virtual reading of UpSpring, “Moments in Time: An UpSpring Reading,” on June 28.
Yellow Arrow recently revamped and restructured it’s Yellow Arrow Journal subscription plan to include two levels. Do you think you are an Avid Reader or a Literary Lover? Find out more about the discounts and goodies involved at yellowarrowpublishing.com/store/yellow-arrow-journal-subscription.
Thank you, April, for letting us in on your spiritual journey.
April Graff is from Baltimore, Maryland. She now lives in Westminster with her two amazing children, husband, and two family pets. “Spiritual Journey” is her very first published piece of art.
Annie Marhefka is a writer, HR consultant, and mama residing in Baltimore, Maryland, with her husband John, their daughter Elena, and son Joseph. When she’s not reading or writing, she loves traveling, boating, and hiking with her family. Her work has been published by Coffee + Crumbs, Versification, Capsule Stories, Remington Review, and more. Annie is working on a memoir about mother/daughter relationships; you can find her writing on Instagram, Twitter, and at anniemarhefka.com.
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