A Heart’s Deepest Desire

“The key to finding happiness in this life is realizing that the only way to overcome is to transcend; to find happiness in the simple pleasures, to master the art of just being. The things you love about others are the things you love about yourself.”

~ Brianna Wiest (Instagram @briannawiest)

By Amanda Baker, written November 2022

I’m going to tell you something that you may not expect: you do not know what you want. When it comes down to truths, you likely do not fully know your heart’s deepest desire. You may think you want a fancy home, a high paying job, to be “chief of something,” to get a brand-new car, etc. But these are not your deepest desires.

Your deepest heart’s desires are buried under years and years of conditioning, learned beliefs, ego-driven satisfaction (some of these wants are really great, and they really may serve you and move you toward your truest, deepest desire). In Sanskrit the word sankulpa translates to “intention” or “to become one with.” And we can use our intentions to connect with our deepest heart’s desire. Moreover, what we believe we want can help us connect with what we truly desire, in a spontaneous and even symbolic way. It’s once you start to open it little by little that the magic happens. You can’t chase it like we are led to believe. Your deepest desires come to you.

Me, I’ve always wanted to feel whole, to be significant, to be remembered. But, I never wanted to be a poet, never dreamed of being a yoga instructor or using the therapeutic philosophy of yoga to treat my clients as a mental health therapist. Somehow, individual yoga-based therapy stumbled upon me when I was given referrals from an old supervisor. People in my yoga classes started asking for therapy yoga sessions. My business built itself, and I believe it’s because I did not fully seek it, obsess over it, or hustle for it.

I had wanted to be a mental health therapist since I was 18 years old. I followed the blueprint of “get my diploma, go to a reputable college, get my master’s in clinical social work,” and wa-la, I made it! I had a series of stable jobs, won some awards, and believe me, those things were gratifying. Connecting with young children, eventually adults, and being a catalyst for their happiness allowed for some really amazing moments. I also married my high school sweetheart, bought a home, and had a child; we were living the American Dream. So why did I continue to have a long-standing emptiness in me? This longing for something more? It stayed with me everywhere.

I never imagined that I could be a yoga instructor because in my mind, I am terrified of public speaking. My heart, though, knows that I am destined to share publicly in some way. I spontaneously signed up for 200-hour yoga teacher training in 2019 and from there my heart truly started to learn how to open.

Then, it was through yoga and fears of rejection, actual rejection, loss, and heartbreak that I returned to writing. Even though I never wanted to be a poet, repeating patterns in my life brought me back to what I loved to do at age seven: write poetry. I followed a yearning, I did not know was there, to self-publish old poems and to continue daily to write new ones. And here’s what I found out, sharing my poetry has lived in my heart’s desire since I was a child. I even call it an epiphany to go to my childhood home and read through my old diaries and journals. Now, it is through my prose poetry that I share deepest truths and connect, even resonate, in such an intimate way with others.

What you obsess over is not what you truly desire / it’s something that will get you close to safety / likely temporarily / then that will likely turn dull / boring / maybe even unsafe / and it’s because those things are external / safety is an internal state / sometimes fostered by an external anchor / maybe another person / a sensory experience / an expressive catalyst / like writing / music / or genuine authentic shared connection.

You have to open your heart / and you can only do that when you feel really, really safe / and the reality is / most of us don’t.

I hope you find safety / I hope you connect / I hope you come to understand your deepest heart's desire when it shows up at your feet or right in front of your face / and when it’s there / I hope you accept it.

Poetry is one way I open my heart and stay true to myself. Here are some suggestions for you:

1. Meditate for three to five minutes then engage in a “brain dump”: stream of consciousness writing; write whatever comes.

2. Set a sankulpa or “intention” for your day. State it as if it already happening: “I trust my inner wisdom.”

3. Practice restorative or gentle yoga with a focus on the heart chakra.

4. Do a loving-kindness meditation, a radical act of self-love and healing. “mindful: healthy mind, health life” and Jon Kabat-Zinn provide a great loving-kindness meditation (including audio!) at mindful.org/this-loving-kindness-meditation-is-a-radical-act-of-love.

5. Exercise self-compassion, for example, see Tara Brach’s RAIN technique at tarabrach.com/wp-content/uploads/pdf/RAIN-of-Self-Compassion2.pdf.

6. Write a love letter to yourself

7. Read creative nonfiction books by Brianna Wiest such as The Mountain is You and 101 Essays that Will Change the Way You Think.

So, all in all, when you open your heart, your deepest desires come to you. You will know when you feel it. My heart’s deepest desire is to connect with your heart’s deepest desire and bring it to life.

I write to remember

I write to forget

I write to elicit freedom

And rid regret

I write until it’s exhausted

Collecting negative unconscious

I write.

And so can you.

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Amanda Baker believes that we are more authentic as our childlike selves than we are as adults. We are more likely to share our truth and live our truth as children, but who says we have to stop. Amanda is a mental health therapist, 200-hour yoga instructor, and poet from Baltimore, Maryland. She attended the University of Maryland School of Social Work and James Madison University. She is a mother of her four-year-old son, Dylan, and enjoys time in nature. Amanda has self-published a poetry collection that includes written work from her early teens into her 30s. You may find her book ASK: A Collection of Poetry, Lyrics, and Words on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Her chapbook What is Another Word for Intimacy? was released October 2022.

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